Tag Archives: joem



Movember’s here so listen up bro,
Put your pride away it’s time to grow,
A tashe will get some huge respect
Then grow a pair and get them checked……… Here’s how.

Take a very good friend and a bottle of wine,
A nice log fire and plenty of time,
Your friend may hold for whisky or gin,
For the task in hand is as ugly as sin. ….. Good luck.

Now strike the pose where the sun shines best,
Just sit back, your friend does the rest,
Before they do lets explain the rules,
They’re looking for a raisin in a bag of bools……..sit back…. Relax

There’ll be lots of groping and fumbling around,
But there’s a real good chance nothing will be found,
So take some pics give us all a look,
At your tashe of course get it on Facebook……..raise C…..for C.

Now if you don’t have a friend and you don’t have the time,
And you don’t have a fire and you don’t have the wine,
Your doc is there you can just stop by
Or there’s the Nike way it’s JDI….


Draining the Swamp

The power to lead when the going gets tough,
Is an art in itself and a skill for the tough,
They can stop! Be calm! When all others just freak,
Take control, slow things down, it’s solutions they seek.

If this is the person that you’d like to be,
Then learn to appraise, use some vision to see,
Find the source, use your logic to fight out the fire,
You’ll be strong, you’ll be fearless you never will tire.

However take heed as you climb to the top,
The demons won’t die, they just shift, never stop,
To drain out the swamp, will seem like a farce,
When those gaters and crocs are nipping your arse.

Be strong
JP July 2012

Little Willies

In a little village library
A man rotund and bald
Requests a book on “little willies”
“But I don’t know what it’s called”

The librarian raised her eyes
And placed her glasses on her head
“I’m not sure if it’s in yet ”
“yes that’s the one” he said.

BF June 11


Twitter helps engage your brain, You read you write you think Unlike the box that saps your powers With its pals, crisps and drink



PRIVATE SMITH, the Sergeant yelled
I want a word with you
I’m told that you were missing
By the camouflage training crew.

Me! Said Smith, no I was there,
Hiding in the wood,
It’s just they couldn’t see me Sarge,
Cause they’re training was so good!

BF 27.2.11


As you journey through life there are people you’ll see.
For whom everything seems to be so,
Why them you will ask and why not me
Here are some of the things you should know.

As your journey unfolds you’ll meet trouble and fear,
Some places you’d rather not be,
Don’t try to avoid them for that’s not the way
Confront them you’ll soon make them flee.

Care nothing at all for what others MIGHT think,
Cast from your head all self doubt,
Be happy each day for the things that you have,
And proud how you’ve brought them about.

Do something each day that scares you,
And some things you’ll need to do twice,
You will then get to witness the death of your fear,
As your comfort zone grows which is nice.

Visit jokeyshop to see our range of inspirational coasters and place mats
Jokeypoet 2009

Two Doctors

In a busy city hospital two doctors toe to toe,
Screaming out a spelling bee the patients heard them crow,
W. W. W. -O. O.- M. M. -B. A
The first would rant and wave his fist, “it’s as clear as night and day”

The other just as loud and with venom, hiss and spit,
There is no A, it starts with WH, it’s WHOOMB, you pompous twit.
The first one’s face grew redder as he insisted on the A,
The patients watched with disbelief, till a staff nurse shouted HEIGH!!!

She marched on over through the crowd and stopped their ranting dead.
“Your both acting like children plus your spelling’s wrong” she said,
This is a public hospital and your crowding out this room,
It spells quite simply W. O. M. B the word you want is womb.

The doctors now both stood agog, as the staff nurse marched away,
Then when she’d gone, the doctors calm, the first was heard to say,
As hippos go they’re pretty rare, I doubt she’s seen one ever,
Let alone would know the sound when they’re farting under water.

Jokeypoet 2009

Tanked and Masked

The blonde sat on the gunwales,
All flippered tanked and masked,
“what now” she said “ do I just fall back?”
The captain heard her ask.

Now normally a lovely man,
For years he’d been afloat,
“well if you fall forward you stupid fool
you’ll still be in the boat!”

Jokeypoet 2008

Willies Pie

In a local pub in LongstoneIn a local pub in Longstone, Willie cried “hello my dear!
I’ll take one of those pies please and a local pint of beer.”

Now Willie clearly knew his stuff as he sniffed then sipped his beer,
Then he strangely took the pie and squashed it on his ear.

The barmaid smiled in disbelief , and meant to ask him why,
But with a full house on a Friday night, she forgot Willie and his pie.

Then later Willie said “ my dear, I’ll take a pint please and a pie”,
I’m sorry sir the pies are gone, is there something else you’d care to try?

“Yes” said he, “I’ll take some crisps and another pint of beer”,
Then once he’d sniffed and sipped, he took the crisps, and crushed them on his ear.

Once again the barmaid watched and thought how very queer,
Then said to Willie “ tell me sir, why do you crush crisps on your ear?”

As Willie crushed his ear with crisps, she couldn’t believe her eyes,
“Oh” he said “quite simply dear, because you don’t have any pies”.

Jokeypoet 2001

Who am I

Its dark and cold and oh so wet
Where is this hell that I’ve been set,
I feel so tight and really weak,
No air, no light, just bleak.

Now my skin, it starts to crack,
And yet somehow its not all black,
Perhaps if I can give a fight,
I might just change things, put things right.

I’ll push and see just where I go,
No where, god this is slow.
But wait, I do feel a touch of strength,
A buzz, some hope, a little length.

I’ll try again, I won’t give up,
I’ll have belief and faith and luck,
And yes, I’ve moved that yucky slime,
This might be hard but given time.

Now pushing’s easy, keep on going,
Gaining strength, growing growing,
My fear has gone, its not obscene,
And though it’s dark I feel quite green.

What’s happening now, I’ve just got cosy,
there’s a glow, it’s rather rosy,
This white, this light, this very bright,
All change again, but is it right.

Looking round I’ve got some brothers,
And look, there’s more, there’s lots of others,
We stretch and feel and taste the air,
So happy now that we are here.

We know in time we’ll grow and flourish,
we came through hell, now we can nourish,
But what am I and where’s my power,
You think I’m you, but I’m a flower.

Jokeypoet 2000